My Response To “The Gardenia”

I read a short story printed in this past week’s Family First, “The Gardenia,” by Shayna Friedman. My younger sister (also shidduch-age) read it first, and she wasn’t sure if I should because it made her so sad. (Well, I did anyway). Briefly: the story is a vignette about a (self-described) older single who goes to the wedding of a workmate with every intention of enjoying herself and meeting new people. At the chuppah she overhears two younger singles talking about her and pitying her, and spirits dashed, she runs home.

 

I wanted to address a couple lines from the story and share my thoughts. First, at the chuppah (from the perspective of the protagonist): It was so cute watching desperate almost-18-year-olds “storming the heavens.” Older singles couldn’t risk showing emotions if they didn’t wish to be pitied.

 

Can you relate to this feeling, of being terrified of showing your feelings for fear of being pitied? I know I’ve felt this way myself, and I’m not “older.” It’s hard to wear your heart on your sleeve when you’re sure it invites pity. But that fear doesn’t have to limit you, or keep you from experiencing the moment exactly as you would like to. You’re allowed to cry…and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. 

 

To tell you the truth, I love chuppahs. They always make me smile. I imagine my own, my parents on either side of me, the music I’ll walk down to, the flowers, the candles, the loving friends and family crowded in on either side of the aisle. I see this image so clearly and it lights up my heart. The daydream never grows old and usually doesn’t feel too far out of reach.

 

Now for the painful moment at the end (spoken by two young twenty-somethings): “She’s listening in…Probably hasn’t had a date in months. And did you see her before?”  “I know, it totally looked like she wanted to sit with us!…Tsk,” said the second girl, shaking her head. “Nebach.”

 

Can we just say it like it is? Those were two highly insensitive girls, and their opinion does not matter. As a matter of fact, there will always be girls, and women older than them, and women much older than them, who think the same way and don’t bother hiding it. Individuals who don’t understand how someone can be single and want to be married and want it for years and still be okay. 

 

Though this story may be an accurate representation of one person’s experience, it doesn’t have to be reflect the inevitable fate of someone who is single past a certain age.  It does not follow automatically that after a certain length of time in shidduchim, you will develop a fear of being vulnerable in public or an inability to laugh off what people say about you. (Not passing judgement on the woman in the story, by the way.)

 

Enjoy weddings the way you want to. Smile, or cry, or both. A chuppah is an eis ratzon. You deserve the chance to make the most of it without allowing self-consciousness to get in the way. Let everything fade to the background while you do your thing, whatever that thing is. Savor the moment and imagine yourself under that chuppah, the flowers you’ll hold and the music you’ll walk down to, your aunts and neighbors and students davening and smiling for you. At the chuppah, ask away for all your heart desires, because anything is possible. No one has to understand you, or approve your smile or your tears. Ultimately this is about self-esteem – the ability to know that your value is in no way related to what anyone around you thinks, and mindfulness – the ability to allow this moment, and only this moment, to fill your experience.

 

Yimaleh Hashem kol mish’alos libech l’tova. 

 

Thoughts?

(Photo Credit: Gardenia.net)