Kathleen Adams taught a really interesting concept in the JTTS instructor training that I have been thinking about a lot as it pertains to shidduchim (of course I have). She used a ponytail holder (a rubber band can work, too) to illustrate this idea, which she learned from Robert Fritz:
Loop the ponytail holder over both your pointer fingers and pull them apart so there is tension. (The ponytail holder becomes an elongated oval). One finger represents current reality, the other, your vision for the future. When we have a vision, tension is created between our current reality and the vision, because they are discrepant — there is a space between. What often happens is that we resolve the tension by snapping back to current reality — giving up, becoming complacent, deciding that the vision is unrealistic or not worth it. Kay said that instead of resolving the tension by reverting to the current reality, anchor yourself in the vision and start to resolve the tension by moving towards the vision. Just take one small step towards the vision. Then your current reality changes because something has moved. Then take another small step.
It’s okay if the steps don’t “work,” because they still move you closer by eliminating options or teaching you something helpful as your move towards your vision.
A friend and I spoke recently about reasonable hishtadlus in our situation. There truly seems to be nothing. If it is suggested to us, we have tried it, or we are not going to be trying it for one valid reason or another. (Of course I haven’t met every single shadchan out there but I have met dozens and it is not psychologically sustainable for me to keep meeting more). We are 33. Between us, we’ve tried singles events, shabbatons, speed dating, meet-the-shadchans, databases, moving to new places, coaching, therapy, professional photoshoots, segulos, davening partnerships, learning partnerships, etc. etc. etc., you don’t need me to go on.
This got me thinking about an expanded definition of hishtadlus–moving towards a vision. Just any movement that moves me in the direction of the vision. Recently, that’s been trying to get to E”Y. Because of this vague idea that my husband might be there, or that going there might give me the reset I need to come back here and re-engage. So any steps towards trying to get to E”Y, those are steps in the direction of the vision, and they are my hishtadlus now. Applying to the remote job that didn’t work out. Joining a few apartment chats for Yerushalayim. Asking around about travel health insurance. Accruing credit card points (that’s my ticket). Looking at apartment listings on Yad2. Getting certified in JTTS so I can teach the workshop. Somehow, becoming a dual Austrian-American citizen feels like hishtadlus. It’s moving me in the direction of a bigger world. I don’t know quite what it’s for but it’s movement towards the vision.
It helps me to have this model. It is not about trying to make something happen. I’m just moving towards a vision, and by taking these steps, reality changes, and then there are new paths.
Everything is dynamic, everything changes. Maybe your hishtadlus is to learn how to rest (an underrated skill). Maybe it’s to learn how to have fun. Maybe it’s to learn how to say no. With this expanded definition of hishtadlus, we have a wider range of options for helping ourselves in ways we can sustain and even enjoy.
(Photo credit: Srattha Nualsate/Pexels)
