Research shows that people are more stressed by uncertainty than by the certainty of a bad experience. We (as humans) tend to maintain an illusion of control, which is an understandable defense against the unpredictability and vicissitudes of life. When it becomes unavoidably clear that we are not in control, we often struggle to cope with this realization.
Sometimes we fight this realization and try to reassert control in the ways we know how – by obsessively looking for information, trying to find reasons for things that happen, or exerting ourselves to try and influence events that are truly beyond us. All of these methods generally result in additional stress and distress, but can still be hard to let go of.
I recently had a conversation with a client who is in this space right now, and we considered what might happen if she noticed the urge to assert control and took a pause before acting on it. That would surely feel deeply uncomfortable, but the amazing thing about difficult emotions is that if you sit tight and ride them out, they pass. It’s that sometimes-miserable interim that can be hard to traverse. This is where self-soothing and regulating techniques can be helpful, like using soothing touch, self-compassionate self-talk, and writing down your worries. Ultimately, if you do this, you teach your brain that it can be with uncertainty and survive it.
I hope this is helpful – there is so very much uncertainty on this journey and it’s a process of constantly letting go of the illusion of control.
(Photo credit: Stanislav Kondratiev/Pexels)
