A long time ago, I wrote a post about my first egg freezing cycle. I also wrote follow up posts about myths and misperceptions, and how to support a friend in the process. But I never wrote a follow up about the rest of my own journey. It’s private, and still hard for me to revisit, but I want to share a little because I do think it’s important, too. I don’t want to oversimplify the process, which my previous posts alone might have done, and I want anyone who may experience difficulties along the way to know they’re not alone.
I ultimately had quite a few cycles because I had to cancel a few due to a poor response. This was obviously brutally difficult and disappointing. The whole thing felt surreal to me; I couldn’t have imagined, years ago, even walking into a fertility clinic, and here I was, going back numerous times over the course of my cycles, dealing with procuring medication over and over, trying to get through to my doctors, getting up early to go into the clinic what felt like a hundred mornings, making big decisions about whether to proceed or not. In the past, I couldn’t have imagined injecting myself with medications, and I did it dozens and dozens of times. I also spent a lot of money that didn’t go anywhere.
There were many moments of intense stress and isolation. There were many tears, and many times that I simply was too stone-like to cry, as I wanted to get through it. I wanted to just give it a rest, but I also didn’t want to have regrets later about not trying again. I had some support but was mostly alone, both because most people really cannot understand this and also because at a certain point, I wanted to protect my own privacy and not disclose. Afterwards, it was very difficult for me to think about or talk about this part of my life. I actually went back to therapy because of it, as the heavy sadness and trauma were an unwieldly presence in my life. It took months for me to come back to this post after I initially drafted part of it.
I ultimately froze a number of eggs that I am b”H satisfied with in terms of hishtadlus. And I unequivocally believe that this was the right hishtadlus. I am okay about all of this now, and am (as you well know) focusing on other parts of my life, although as mentioned, it is still painful if I think about all that transpired.
I do want you to feel comfortable asking questions, I may not answer if it is too personal, but it’s so hard to get information about any of this and it would mean a lot to me if I could help you along. So please don’t hesitate.
Wishing you an easy fast if you are fasting today.
Thank you for coming back to the topic and sharing your difficulties. I haven’t gone through the egg freezing process, but it’s helpful to hear that it wasn’t smooth sailing so that I (and others) don’t have false expectations or feel caught off guard when challenges arise. And yes, it is such a private, personal experience. May you be zoche to healthy children very soon!
To tell you the truth, it isn’t smooth sailing for many people. I do think the clinics are motivated to paint an overly bright picture about the process or results most people can expect. I still believe it’s worthwhile and was the right choice, but yes, people should know they’re definitely not alone if it doesn’t go as planned.
Thank you, amen 🤍