Last week I tracked my time, but unlike last time around, I don’t plan on posting my logs. I don’t think they’re particularly interesting to others, but most of all, if I posted them, you would see the data on how much I struggle to daven.
It is very hard for me to open a siddur and daven. I mean, if I was absolutely determined to make it happen every day even on the days I am busy or tired, it probably would be possible. But it takes such energy for me to do it — mental, emotional?, that it isn’t my default.
A part of me is angry at Hashem, for sure. This part of me feels rejected and ignored. It feels like, why on earth would I keep wasting my time with this if You don’t even care. This part of me says, You are mocking me. You are asking me to repeat the same thing over and over, for years on end. The definition of insanity.
Every Jewish child who has learned about tefillah in school has learned that tefillah is not about getting stuff, it’s about having a relationship with Hashem. It’s about verbalizing and reinforcing your emunah. It’s about evolving over time as you keep returning to Hashem, prayer after prayer. And every “peirush tefillah” class has explored the question of why we daven if Hashem knows exactly what we need and can give it to us if He wants us to have it. And we always answer with the above ideas, it’s not about telling Hashem what you want but telling Him you know He can give it to you…and this changes you and maybe changes what is good for you…(so on one level, it kind of comes back to davening so you can get what you want…)
I don’t have questions about the purpose of tefillah because I understand these ideas on an intellectual level, but I am still struggling with the actual lived experience of burnout.
Another thing I remember learning about tefillah is that people are so quick to come to Hashem with a laundry list of things they want, but much less inclined to say thank You for the good in their lives. So this is something we need to actively keep working on. However, as it turns out, I find the opposite to be true for me. “Thank You” lets me stay focused on the things that are going right and on my sense of optimism and empowerment — I have all of this, I am so fortunate, my life is so blessed. “Please” rips open the hole of rejection and disappointment, and I’m not one for ripping open holes for no constructive reason. It’s hard to feel that there is one at this point in my journey.
I know some people (like, oh, married shadchanim lol) would read this and be Very Disappointed in me – and Not Surprised this cynical girl is still single. But because you are the one reading it instead, I want to hear from you. What are your empowering ideas about tefillah that carry you through difficult times? What words of kindness and encouragement do you have for me?
