The above distinction comes from Nonfinite Grief and Loss: A Psychoeducational Approach, by Elizabeth J. Bruce and Cynthia L. Schultz, a book I read about a year ago as I was starting to dig into material for my dissertation. (I also posted about the concept of nonfinite loss here.) The authors developed this framework for understanding the ongoing nature of certain types of losses. Nonfinite loss is the experience of living with unexpected and unwanted life circumstances that diverge significantly from one’s expected life course. Living with nonfinite loss presents continuous reminders of “normal” experiences that one expected to attain but has and may not. As time goes on, new discrepancies emerge between what one always thought life would be like vs. what it is. The specific loss the authors mostly write about is that of raising a child with disabilities (that is the authors’ field and the reason they developed this framework, but they write that their work generalizes to other losses as well). Because “older singlehood” does not present, be”H, a loss of a permanent nature, but rather is characterized more by ambiguity, I didn’t find this framework to be quite the right fit for my dissertation, but there are still concepts that are relevant.
One of those is adaptation vs. acceptance. The idea of “accepting” an unwanted situation — which implies approval — can feel objectionable and dismissive of one’s own pain. Instead, we might find it more helpful to think about living with an unwanted/unchosen/unexpected situation in terms of adaptation. Rather than feeling that one needs to accept reality as it is, they can think about co-existing with it and finding ways to work with life as it is in ways that honor their values and the totality of who they are. This can be done while acknowledging the very real and present sense of loss.
I’ve shared this concept a few times with clients, and it has really resonated with people. Often, when dealing with situations that are beyond our control, and cause emotional pain, we cannot reach a place of feeling okay with what is. If we think about adapting without accepting, we can move forward towards what we do want in life, even enjoying and celebrating those things, while acknowledging and carrying the pain of what we don’t.
I hope this concept is helpful to you like it is to me!
