I keep my days very busy, and I like that most of the time. Working full time, commuting some days, reading, walks, teaching, taking classes, writing, giving courses…I am very grateful to have many parts of my life that I enjoy and that give me a productive, satisfied feeling. But sometimes that means that I am disconnected from that whole other part of my life that is so painful. And certainly that is one reason I am so busy, after all. I once expressed to a therapist that I felt overscheduled, like I didn’t have time to feel, and she answered, “That is not uncommon behavior for people who are grieving.”
It bothered me for some time that I felt so disconnected from my deepest emotions, yet I couldn’t “go there.” I had a lot of fatigue from continually feeling so vulnerable, so pained…you probably understand. However, more recently, I have been taking little bits of time to get in contact with my deeper feelings. I have started to do this at night when I am lying in bed. I exhale and let myself go there. That is when I cry for the grief and loneliness. It does feel like a relief to do that and I usually turn over and fall asleep after that.
I wonder what balance you have found for living in the present and feeling the feelings at the same time.
Have a wonderful day!
