Continuing on with my notes from Burnout, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. This concept is so interesting and provides a whole new way of mentally working with expectations, struggle, and patience:
Your brain has a system for monitoring the ratio of effort to success you’re experiencing as you work towards a goal. It then compares this ratio with what was expected and determines whether the time has come to get frustrated, upset, or even to despair of ever reaching your goal. For example, if you thought it would take 20 minutes to get to the mall and you hit traffic, at 30 minutes you might be frustrated and at 45 you might be on the verge of quitting and at 60 minutes you are not even trying to get to the mall anymore and you’re probably in tears.
To change your brain’s relationship with a particular expectation, you can use a few strategies. The first is what the authors call “planful problem-solving,” which is basically taking into account from the outset that your plans may go awry and having alternatives available (in the mall example, this might mean downloading Waze). When that isn’t possible, you can use the strategy of positive reappraisal, in two ways: 1) by changing your definition of winning (in the mall example, this might mean counting it as a success that you got dressed and left your house and got some vitamin D through the car window) and 2) by changing your definition of losing – I did not get the outcome I had hoped for but what did I get because of that? (I didn’t get to the mall but I did learn that I must download Waze).
Here’s what the authors say about changing expectations and redefining winning:
Say your goal is to climb Mount Everest. If you start marching up the mountain expecting that you’re going to zip smoothly to the peak, as soon as it gets difficult your Monitor [that’s this cognitive process] will start to freak out. You might give up. You might start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you–after all, somebody told you it was supposed to be easy, and it turns out it’s hard, so it’s not the mountain that’s the problem, it’s you!
But if you begin the climb knowing ahead of time that it’s going to be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done, then when it begins to get difficult, your Monitor will recognize that without getting frustrated. It’s just a difficult goal, so it’s normal that you’re struggling.
So switch out Mount Everest for shidduchim. It’s just a difficult goal. It’s normal that you’re struggling. Maybe somebody told you it was supposed to be easy but maybe they were uninformed and it’s the mountain that’s the challenge and there’s nothing wrong with you. And maybe it’s time to adjust your expectations and develop a “nonstandard relationship with winning” as the authors put it.
I found it so helpful to see shidduchim as climbing Mount Everest — the expectation is that it’s a struggle and a climb. It’s a hero’s journey! You’re not doing anything wrong!
I hope this conceptualization is as helpful to you as it is to me. Stay warm!
