My friend pointed out that the challenge of shidduchim is double because it’s painful and it’s public. Not only do you have to go through it, you have to explain to people why you’re doing what you’re doing. We’re used to this being the way it is, it’s the water around us, but it is seriously not normal to have to carry a huge, painful burden and be constantly answering to people about it.
At the end of the day, you’re the one who has to live with the mental health ramifications of everyone else’s involvement. It’s easy for other people to say what you should do, but they’re not the ones walking around with a head swimming with harsh, dogmatic messages and a heart pierced with agony.
In my journal recently, I wrote that my mental health has to come first. If that means making people upset with me or walking away from opportunities, then so be it. If it’s not good for my mental health, it’s not the right opportunity for me.
Vague and cliched advice
Always say yes to a first date. You never know.
Always say yes to a second date. You never know.
You only need someone who is XYZ.
Keep an open mind.
Just try.
Be flexible.
Remember that no one is perfect.
Keep the list short.
Gaslighting
You don’t know what you need.
You’re looking for the wrong things.
You’re reading into things that aren’t there.
If you only wanted it enough, it would happen.
I know what you need.
Scarcity
There are always fewer fish in the sea.
There are very few normal guys out there.
If you say no he won’t come back around.
At your age, you should…
You don’t want to look back when you’re [X age] and regret this.
Questioning your process/Blame
Did you give him enough of a chance?
Are you sure you gave him enough of a chance?
Are you being yourself?
Are you opening up?
Are you focusing on what really matters? (i.e. what really matters to whoever is asking the question)
Are you willing to step out of your comfort zone?
Are you really trying?
You should…
Logical fallacies
If you would have XYZ…
If you aren’t married by now you must be looking for the wrong thing.
No one knows why you are single, or how to get you married. Because you could be doing everything right and still be single. (And you could be doing everything wrong and still get married. Come on. We all know people like this). Ever heard of a nisayon…?
You have a whole story they don’t know about, so sure, they can throw clichés at you, but your reality is real, and you’re the one living it.
I wish this wasn’t so hard. I have a dream of one day turning that cottage by a lake into a haven for single ladies who need a place to heal from the unrelenting, crazy-making harshness of shidduch crisis culture. I wish. Knowing I could do this one day would keep me going.
Have a peaceful Shabbos.
