My nephew got his siddur on Sunday and I was able to go watch, hurrah! He truly is the cutest. Sitting near me in the audience were two girls/women who were in high school with me (one grade ahead). And this was evidently not their first siddur play by any means. This is how it is, okay, I am used to it for the most part.
However, even though I should have been, I was not prepared for the bar mitzvah invitations to start arriving.
Bernice Neugarten (1976) developed social clock theory. We generally expect to hit life milestones and transitions within certain windows of time, and when we are “off time,” this can result in stress. Our social clocks are often the basis for self-assessment, as individuals compare themselves to their similarly aged peers to determine how well they are doing by comparison. Research suggests that individuals who experience life events “off time” may struggle with social stigma and disapproval, self-denigration and a sense of inadequacy, and a lack of social support from similarly aged peers.
Social clock theory is one of the theoretical frameworks for my dissertation (at this writing). I happen to love clock imagery, and I find this way of understanding my experience to be validating and to provide targets for intervention — developing resilience in the face of stigma, recognizing internalized stigma and shame, questioning narratives, developing and practicing self-compassion, finding a community, drawing boundaries between myself and judgmental peers, loved ones, or acquaintances.
If you are feeling the effects of being “off time,” I hope it is helpful to know you are not alone, and to think about ways you can support and take care of yourself.
(Photo credit: Luca Photo/Pexels)
