I’ve noticed that when friends invite me to join them at shabbatons or other events for single women that are meant to give chizuk, I simply don’t feel drawn towards these activities. I don’t really want chizuk because it doesn’t give me chizuk.
There are several factors here. For one, I prefer to live my life without dwelling on this part of it, and certainly not in a public format. And, people really need different messages, even if they’re dealing with similar challenges. I find that there is sort of a generic chizuk approach that doesn’t work for me. It relies a lot on emunah and yeshua stories, and this has the effect of awakening a cynical and not a hopeful side of me. The approach I need acknowledges the deep all-encompassing burnout that comes with years of circumstances not changing, and I find that that is something many people cannot sit with. I don’t really want to hear that Hashem tests the tzadik or the ones He loves. I don’t want to hear that yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin. I understand that, but it doesn’t help me to hear it in my pain. I don’t want to hear about role models — e.g., people who put their pain aside and were happy for a friend — because sometimes that is me and sometimes that is not me and it is nuanced and contextual; one person’s nisayon is not another’s. I certainly do not want to hear about segulos, zechuyos, or hishtadlus — messages that if not overtly advice-giving are far too advice-adjacent for my system, which is healing from advice toxicity.
I get chizuk, instead, from living and experiencing the gentle nods from G-d that help me feel I’m not alone. When things fall into place, or I have a really nice time doing something, or I’m connected with warm and supportive people (friends, family, and others). I get chizuk in those moments when, in the quiet, I remember and feel, yeshuas Hashem k’heref ayin. I am not alone. I am living in the plan. Nothing is too big for Hashem and I am in Good Hands.
(Photo credit: Erik Mclean/Pexels)
