How I dread that question. It’s not like I haven’t had to answer it a million times already, but I still cringe and stumble when I have to produce an answer. Anyone out there have a really good elevator pitch that’s specific and true-to-you and easy to give over with minimal room for misinterpretation? No? (Sometimes I feel like saying, “If you’re thinking of a specific guy, just tell me about him and we’ll go from there.”)
I don’t have any suggestions, to be honest, just empathy if you also have a hard time with this.
First of all, I love this blog. It often helps me get through some of the most difficult shidduch times that other people just can’t relate to! I always write responses to your posts in my head and don’t actually sit down to write them out. But hey, maybe today I’ll do just that:)
Oh my, I hate this question! Depending on the person asking I have a variety of responses. Here are some of them:
-“The more I date, the more I see that no one really knows what they are looking for! When the right one comes you realize ‘ohh that is what I am looking for’ (Or so they say, hasn’t happened to me yet;) However, at this point I have a lot of experience on what I am NOT looking for and what DOESN’T work for me, and I’m happy to share.”
-“Someone nasty with a tendency for violence. Shorter than me and ugly please. Preferably dirt poor with a troubled history.” (This one is reserved for my friends, don’t think I’d try it with shadchanim).
-I’m looking for someone that I can respect. In terms of personality, middos, hashkafos, intelligence, (and yes, looks).
Truth is, none of these answers can ever fully encompass what you’re looking for in a husband and life partner, and so, I’d like to express my empathies to anyone who has to continually come up with decent responses to this question. Extra empathy to those who are asked for the dreaded “what you’re looking for paragraph” or ” a quick voice note of what you’re looking for.”
Thank you for your warm comment! I am so, so glad that my blog is validating! Also, I would looove to read your comments on other posts!
Lol I like your responses. I once threatened to start telling people that I’m looking for a unicorn but I haven’t had the nerve…
[Disclaimer: I am B”H married. Am I disqualified from answering?]
It’s not easy, but I think you should be able to come up with a basic answer to “what are you looking for?” It will still be misunderstood by some people, but it should be possible to have a basic answer you can tell people. [Apologies for not sharing my personal answer from my shidduch days.]
– Do you have an answer to that question for yourself (not explaining to others)? If not, please take the time to figure out the answer for yourself. I disagree with the first commenter’s statement “no one really knows what they are looking for”.
– If you have an answer for yourself, but have trouble articulating to others, can you figure out why? Perhaps you can write out your answer and have a few friends and relatives help you edit it.
In your post, you had a few criteria: (1) “specific and true-to-you and (2) easy to give over with minimal room for misinterpretation.”
(1) Specific and true-to-you:
– Midos: Everyone wants someone with “good Midos”. Come up with a list of 2-5 Midos that you specifically are looking for. What does “good Midos” mean to YOU?
– Values and hashkafa: What are your top 2-5 values that you need your future husband to share? You don’t need to include all of them in your “elevator pitch”, but you may want to include some.
– Personality: Are there any specific personality traits that are important to you?
– Anything else you care about?
You don’t need to include all of the above, but I hope that gives some guidance.
(2) “easy to give over with minimal room for misinterpretation” – Being as specific as possible should help with this. Additionally, think about where your shadchanim [=anyone who tries to set you up] are “coming from”- are they in the same “hashkafic world” as you? Do they understand your personality and background? You may need to tailor your “elevator pitch” depending on the audience, especially if you have shadchanim from different segments of the frum world.
B’hatzlachah!
Hey, thanks for coming by and commenting. Married people are most certainly welcome.
You make all good points. It can be an important part of hishtadlus to really get in touch with what you need in a shidduch and to learn to articulate it to yourself and others. I worked on that with my dating coach, M’nucha Bialik and it was a relief to have it laid out so clearly.
While I can’t speak for anyone else, my aversion to the question comes from experiences where my needs/wants were questioned, dismissed or ignored. Also because it’s downright uncomfortable to have to share something which truly is personal even if prudence dictates you share it.
Another reason I don’t like answering that question: I have had many experiences where someone held me to a specific description I had given even years earlier (like, “Wait, you told me you want XYZ, I’m so confused”). I really don’t like being committed to one description for years in the mind of a shadchan when what I need (or my understanding of what I need) changes and evolves. The core qualities have always remained the same, so giving a description is not completely pointless (obviously) but it should go without saying that specifics like hashkafic gradations, or preferences about what the guy is doing in life, can and will change. At this point I basically give a disclaimer before I answer the question, something like, “I can describe what I’m looking for but if you have an idea that doesn’t quite match this description, feel free to run it by me. I am flexible within certain parameters.”
As the first commentator, I just want to clarify what I meant by “no one knows what they are looking for,” as I agree that it is important to know your non-negotiables and preferences, and to have a basic idea to guide shadchanim with.
Disclaimer- I was aiming to inject a humorous tone into my comment, so you may have read it as more sarcastic or flippant than intended.
I don’t know how long you were in shidduchim for or how many times you were asked what you are looking for, and I am sure that the message of this post will resonate differently depending on one’s stage. However, the way that I took it was a general frustration at continually having to provide an answer to this question- often times on one foot- (in the grocery store, in a meeting, at work, to a younger sibling’s friend etc).
I consider myself pretty self-aware, and I can articulate well to myself and others what I am looking for. I know what middos are important to me, and I know what personality traits have worked for me and which ones haven’t.
That being said, people (and husbands) are a package, not a checklist. I have seen many girls (this is usually reserved for beginner daters;) have very specific parameters for what they wanted, but with each boy that came up they evaluated him for who he is and decided if it was an idea worth pursuing.
I laugh when girls have exact descriptions of what they are looking for. It doesn’t matter anyway- people will still redt you to whoever they want, and you will still have to evaluate each idea as it comes up. You do make an excellent point about knowing where the person asking is coming from, that is very important.
What I meant by “no one knows what they are looking for” is: “Despite my best efforts, I do not actually know who my husband is. I can tell you specific middos and personality traits, but unless you know me, it will probably sound generic and you will proceed to redt me to him anyway. But, if you can tell me about the boy you have in mind (as presumably you know something about him), I can use my experiences to tell you if this is what I am NOT looking for.”
Additionally, many traits are not actually quantifiable. How many times have I heard, “He’s not the life of the party, but he has a ton of friends. He is a little quiet, but I’m telling you he has a really strong character inside.” Or for those in the larggggeee grey area that’s not “forever learning” and not “already working:” What if he wants to take an accounting course in two years? What if he’s a really strong learner but in a yeshiva that offers nighttime courses? What if he says 5 years but you’ve been saying 7? (cringe).
Of course, I answer this question each time it comes up, hopefully graciously and with a smile. But I think this post was just trying to express how hard it is to encompass all of you into a two sentence response.
For the record- my last response “I’m looking for someone that I can respect…” Often goes a long way and leads to dialogue in specific traits that I am looking for. Especially if the person knows me and where I am coming from.
And THIS is why I usually keep my responses in my head. Lol!
WOW, you really nailed it! Thanks for taking the time to express these thoughts and feelings in writing! Yes, what I meant to express in this post is the frustration of having to encapsulate years of dating/relationship experience into a description that will inevitably sound generic or alternatively, that it’s trying overly hard to not be generic 😉 That’s why it would be so much easier if someone could just tell me, “I know about this guy, does this sound right and if not, why not?” YES. Thank you.
Thank you for the replies!
To :), I actually agree with much of your second post 🙂
It sounds like for both of you, the core issue is NOT how to answer “What are you looking for”. The core issue is people’s responses to your answer, and people asking at inappropriate times or places.
I don’t see why it should be difficult to understand that someone’s preferences changed over time. If you changed something about what you’re looking for, and someone actually remembers years later that your preference was slightly different, then it should be simple enough to explain “yes, that was what I wanted originally, but since then I changed my mind”. It’s not even a bad idea to proactively tell people “what I’m looking for changed since the last time I spoke to you about it”. If these people can’t accept that people change over time, I have no advice 🙂 [Of course, there is a balance – if your “looking for” paragraph flip-flops every week between looking for a long-term learner and looking for someone who is currently working, then I see the problem :)]
If someone is asking at an inappropriate time or place (like the grocery store or at work as you wrote), nothing wrong with saying “Thanks for thinking of me, now is not the time or place to discuss it but feel free to call me later if you have an idea for me.”
Yes, gray areas are difficult to describe. The description of what you’re looking for needs to be a balance between specific and general. (Again, not an easy feat.) And yes, “:)”, I agree that “people are a package, not a checklist”.
To “A Friend”: You mentioned in the post and in your last comment that you would prefer if they would describe the guy. I remember people sometimes did that to me. Personally, I preferred to tell people what I was looking for and let them narrow it down, instead of hearing about every completely off-the-mark suggestion everyone ever had. [Although, as “:)” mentioned, hearing the “what are you looking for” answer will probably not do much to narrow it down and they will probably suggest the boy anyways!]. However that’s a personal preference. If your preference is the opposite, then I don’t see what’s wrong with asking them if they have a specific boy in mind and if they could tell you about him.
Anon- All of your suggestions are really good- thank you!!
I think the point of the post was to recognize that answering this question is part of the nisayon of shidduchim.
I don’t know ANY single (besides for straight from sem girls) that actually WANT to date. Dating is hard. Especially when travel is involved. And so, it behooves every single to get really good at answering this question as it will surely alleviate uncomfortable situations and help them have clarity in finding the right one.
BUT, it is still hard, can be awkward, or just plain annoying. As one of my friends once put it, “If another person walks up to me and asks ‘are you busy’ I will respond, ‘are you expecting?’”
Now, *obviously* that is a joke, and the people asking are sincerely trying to help, and that would not be an appropriate thing to say.
HOWEVER, shidduchim is a nisayon. And some people think that the hard part of shidduchim is the not being married. And while yes, that is actually a part of it, I think “A Friend” was pointing out that the very nature of this nisayon is that other people have to be involved. And so, even if you somehow can paint the absolute perfect picture of what you need,* and even if you are able to be politely assertive and respond well to this question no matter what no matter where, and even if you do have the perfectly balanced response, while yes- it would alleviate some of the unnecessary frustration, it would STILL be a part of the nisayon called shidduchim. Still awkward at times. Still hard at times. Still embarrassing at times.
And so- as “A friend” mentioned, sometimes it’s not about the solution, but the sharing of empathy.
Empathy granted 😊
*(side point entirely- but if you did know exactly what you needed you would just marry him-and you would also probably be very rich and working in Vegas because you can see the future;)