I recently read a comment on an article on a frum website to the effect of “women in abusive relationships should work on themselves because often, abuse is a response to the wife’s behavior.” Oh my goodness. No, no, and no. What on earth?
Abuse is never the victim’s fault. Never. Abuse is the abuser’s problem. It is a result of their need to control and consume another human being, to feed their sense of power and control in their own life and to protect themselves from feelings of guilt or worthlessness. Yes, abusers are human beings who were most likely abused themselves and are deserving of human compassion. That does not make it the victim’s responsibility to stay in the relationship to help or accommodate the abuser. Absolutely not. If anything, the victim should exit as soon as possible. It is completely and totally the abuser’s responsibility to get the help they need.
Abuse is not an anger-management problem or a conflict or disagreement between two people. It is a process calculated to make the victim blame themselves, feel helpless and trapped, and question their own grasp of reality. If abuse was black and white, no one would stay in an abusive relationship. Abuse is confusing and subtle and usually has an insidious onset. That is why someone might find themselves knee-deep in a highly abusive relationship without being clear on how they got there. That is also why people outside of the relationship may not recognize what is going on and might even dismiss the victim’s concerns. But if you feel unsafe, invalidated, anxious, frustrated or confused often when you interact with someone, don’t dismiss these feelings. You need to listen to yourself. That’s not how a healthy, balanced relationship makes people feel. Again, you are not to blame and you will not make anything better by trying to stay and fix things.
These are some examples of how abuse might show up in shidduch dating (I’ll use he and she interchangeably because abusers can be of either gender). I’ve written out some subtle examples, the problem in each, and also added the reaction these interactions might evoke in you (if you have a strong sense of self and boundaries and you know the signs, you may be less inclined to react this way, although we are all affected to some degree by abusive behavior):
- You share something that is meaningful to you (ex. a story you heard) and he raises an eyebrow and says, “Oookay, then.” You start to wonder whether he’s right and if what you said sounds kind of stupid.
Even if someone doesn’t share your feelings on a subject, they do have to respect the legitimacy of your feelings and your right to feel them.
- He pulls up in front of a dairy restaurant and you say, “Ooh, I actually ate fleishigs a little earlier.” He acts annoyed (ex. “Seriously?”) even though he never let you know his plans. You feel guilty for causing him stress and ask yourself why you didn’t talk to the shadchan first.
No one should be blaming you for something that is their responsibility.
- You tell her about a career goal and she says, “You want that because it will make you feel important.” You wonder if she’s onto something and whether she understands you better than you understand yourself.
Unless someone is you, they never have the right to tell you what or why you think or feel the way you do. That is controlling and arrogant. No matter how well they know you (and if you’re dating, they don’t know you very well), it’s your own mind and your life and there is a boundary around it.
- You’re at an entertainment venue and he wants to do an activity that makes you feel uncomfortable. When you share your discomfort, he expresses his disapproval (ex. “Oh, you’re so frum?”). You wonder if you are just too stiff and inflexible.
Everyone is entitled to their likes and dislikes, values, preferences, and idiosyncrasies. Your date is allowed to respectfully/playfully encourage you to try something, but they are never allowed to tell you that something about you needs to be “fixed” to earn their approval.
- She lets you know that she has sized you up (ex. “I know you’re so the type to…”). You feel exposed and as if you don’t have control over what you can choose to share.
Unless you have asked for a personal assessment, no one should be giving you one. Implying that you fully understand the inner world of another human being is controlling and arrogant and crosses a boundary.
- He asks you a personal question you are not prepared to answer in the moment and you tell him as much. He answers that you must have a problem with intimacy because you should be able to answer questions like that. You feel a little scared and wonder if maybe there really is something wrong with you.
Abusers thrive on making other people believe they’re crazy. In reality, we all need people to cut us some slack sometimes and there is nothing crazy about needing time to think about something.
If you experience anything like this or similar (such as the examples mentioned in this article), you need to take it seriously. Abuse is never the victim’s fault and it won’t get better if you try to change yourself or fix the situation. You never have to feel that it’s your responsibility to make someone happy with you or approve of you. We are all allowed to be imperfect.
I hope this is helpful. If you have anything to add to this discussion, please comment, as awareness and education is crucial (to everyone, not only those in the parsha).
