A reader pointed out to me that I often suggest getting a dating coach or mentor to talk to before and during a dating relationship but I haven’t provided much information about how to find one. I’ve been fortunate to have a lot of support with dating in recent years but I know it can be hard to find someone who “gets” the nuances of shidduchim and who is the right shidduch for you 😉 .
So, what is a dating coach anyway? A dating coach is someone who takes the time to get to know you and what you are looking for and based on that, helps you plan/strategize your dates and process them afterwards. A dating coach helps you choose things to talk about on the dates, pinpoint what’s bothering you and how to probe deeper into different issues that come up, lets you be a bundle of nerves while also cheering you on and giving you a space to dump, and provides some guidance about relationship-building, gender differences, and stuff like that.
Personally, I believe that one of the most important things to look for in a dating coach is someone who respects your feelings and whose goal is to see you happy, not just married. I also tend to shy away from anyone whose approach resembles a formula (i.e. you just need to get over your blocks, or learn these strategies, or start doing X) or guarantee of success (i.e. “singles who follow my guidance are engaged within six months”). It’s very possible these individuals are amazing and successful at what they do but I don’t feel comfortable taking that approach to this very deep and individual process. However, I won’t write anyone off completely unless they actively do harm (like a dating coach who called my friend after she said no to a guy and told her that one day she would be old and lonely because she broke up with him; mind you, he was textbook abusive towards her, so yeah, I would write this lady off completely). Different personalities need different dating coaches but in any case, no one person, no matter how vaunted, is the right fit for everyone.
It’s important to trust yourself and if you don’t feel right about what your coach is advising you to do, you don’t have to listen. You always have the final say! And you can always stop working with someone and look for a better fit. Or if you feel an issue is not being resolved through coaching, you can try to address it by talking to a rav and/or therapist. (You can even talk to a rav, therapist, and dating coach all throughout the same relationship!)
A dating coach differs from a therapist in that a coach is more short-term focused specifically on the dating relationship, and a therapist focuses more on healing underlying wounds and historic patterns. Sometimes dating brings up longer-standing issues, like a history of insecure attachment and difficulty in close relationships, and at that point, dating coaching will usually not be sufficient. An ethical dating coach will not hesitate to refer to a mental health professional.
While having someone to talk through your thoughts and feelings when you’re dating is so important, another friend shared that she is uncomfortable with the idea of unlicensed professionals providing sensitive guidance of this nature and helping singles make such important decisions. I definitely hear her point and I wanted to open the floor to comments and perspectives on this issue.
I would love to hear your thoughts and/or experiences with dating coaching. Have you ever worked with a dating coach? If you did, what was/wasn’t helpful? If you didn’t, would you try it? Do you talk to someone else about dating? Do you have any questions about what it’s like to work with a dating coach? Do you have any opinions on this topic?
About how much do dating coaches charge? Do they charge per date – I would be concerned they are biased to encourage “give it another date” instead of encouraging you to end it (or to go out with someone who doesn’t sound like a perfect fit)
In my experience, coaches charge per hour. B”H I never felt pressured to keep dating someone but this does happen (not all coaches are created equal) so go with your friends’ referrals if possible!