Hey, all, let’s continue talking about dating through the lens of mindfulness. Last time we looked at pre-first date anxiety and ways to help yourself through that. Now let’s look at the first date itself.
First dates are really nerve-wracking. Second and third dates etc, also. But first dates are uniquely nerve-wracking because there’s that Big Reveal.
The way I see it, there is basically a spectrum of how you might feel on a first date, the two extremes being instant infatuation and crushing disappointment. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, the reality is this: it’s a first date. You’re getting to know this person for the first time and there’s so, so much you just don’t know. It’s like the leaf-rubbing analogy: you’ve gone over the leaf once with a crayon and you can’t be expected to be an expert on what this leaf looks like. Infatuation might end by date #2. Meh feelings might warm up. (I’m not advocating for forcing yourself onto a second date with someone you really didn’t like or had no common ground with. I don’t think there has to automatically be a second date if the first one was survivable. Sometimes it’s clear that the relationship will not go anywhere. I do think different people vary in how much energy they’re able to devote under different circumstances, and in how sensitive and perceptive they are, so I won’t weigh in on who I think should get a second date. I’ll just mention that it’s really helpful to have a dating coach/mentor to help you tease this out!)
Dating is an amazing opportunity to practice mindfulness. Most of us tend to have lots of mental chatter going on, narration and criticism and evaluation and prediction etc. On the date, try turning down the volume on all that and being in the room. Easier said than done, naturally. But perhaps giving yourself permission to evaluate, judge etc after the fact will help you give yourself permission to just be on the date as it’s happening, with no agenda. You can practice this when you spend time with other people, too. Just sitting in their presence, watching their facial expressions, listening to their tone of voice, tuning into how they’re feeling, reflecting back what they’re saying. After the fact you can think over what happened throughout the conversation. But this moment-by-moment attention and attunement is going to make dating so much more peaceful and pleasant. It isn’t just an investment of energy into the other person, it’s an investment into your own sense of groundedness and presence and ability to show up to life without trying to control it.
Reminding yourself “it’s a first date” means knowing this: My date might be the one for me and he might not be. If I spend more time with him (assuming I have decided a second date is warranted), I will learn more and share more. If I decide to spend more time with him after that, I will learn and share even more. I don’t have to know what lies in the future. I don’t have to know if this relationship is going anywhere. The clock didn’t start running down after this first date and I don’t have to count dates. This person is a whole person. A world. This process will take time. This deserves time. I have time. And now I am just getting the preview.
So with this in mind, you can be on the first date and process it afterwards. No pressure. No rush. No assumptions.
A word about the fear of being judged by the other person: A lot of people have been burned either during dating or at different points in life by people who rejected them for being themselves or for aspects of their life that were beyond their control. In a future post iy”H I would like to explore the topics of vulnerability and daring greatly, and how to believe in the existence of a person who is looking for someone just like you. In this post, I just want to empathize because fear of judgment makes dating pretty torturous. You are so worthy of love and good things and you will meet someone one day who will be overjoyed at having found you. My suggestion is to practice believing that.
I hope this post is helpful. Feel free to add your own insights and suggestions so the rest of us can benefit!
