Last week, I posted a list of things you can do as hishtadlus towards meeting your bashert. In response, a reader emailed me about something that was not mentioned on the list, and has never been addressed on this blog. That is, the topic of shidduch photos.
Now, in general I have not written about what I call “shidduch logistics,” the technicalities of the shidduch process, in any detail. This is because I want my blog to be relevant to and inclusive of all frum singles, regardless of how they network, who handles information inquiries (if anyone), the time frame of a relationship, communication while dating, and so on.
However, after giving it some thought, I concluded that the topic of shidduch photos is actually part of a broader subject that definitely warrants a discussion: how far does one have to go in order to do proper hishtadlus in shidduchim?
The Chovos HaLevavos writes that one never has to do anything that causes them physical, emotional, or spiritual harm. In other words, hishtadlus does not entail doing things that cause you distress or humiliation or violate your values. Not only is that not required of you, it is wrong to do such hishtadlus. I truly believe that sharing shidduch photos falls into this category for many, many people. Regardless of how ubiquitous the practice is, regardless of who or how many people are pressuring you, if you would never post photos for other people’s perusal under other circumstances (whether for tznius or privacy reasons), you do not have to (should not!) share a photo in order to get a date. I get that this is a big statement for someone like me to make. I sincerely believe that it is emes and that daas Torah would not tell you otherwise (feel free to verify).
In my years in shidduchim, I have seen a stark upward trend in the number of requests for photos. I have also seen a change in the tenor of the requests, from apologetic and hesitant to matter-of-fact or even aggressive. I have wavered on the question myself. I have been inconsistent, depending on the person asking, or whether I had a nice picture available, or honestly, my mood. But it has gotten out of hand.
A two-dimensional photo can never capture the greatness of a human being. How many people have married someone who wasn’t precisely the look they had in mind but were attracted to the personality, chein, character of the person, things they could not possibly know from a photo? I’m not advocating for marrying someone without regard for attraction, by any means. But if we are a spiritual people, we need to do shidduchim from a spiritual perspective, and we need to ensure that this perspective isn’t lost to apathy — the apathy of “this is just the new normal.” (Incredibly, as I was thinking and writing about these ideas, I got a newsletter from M’nucha Bialik about just this topic. Please read it.)
“Shidduch crisis” culture has disempowered many single women and sold them the belief that if you want to get married, you need to disregard your preferences, your comfort, and often your principles. But that’s a lie. You always retain the right to say no. You always have the power to set down a boundary and assert that something is not okay. Don’t give away your power. If not for your own sake, then for the sake of your friend who is at a greater disadvantage than you are when she shares a photo. This is the time to lock arms and push back. There is strength in numbers. And we have numbers. If the answer becomes a consistent “no” to photos across the board, the tide will turn.
Shidduch photos have never been the norm among Bais Yaakov-type women. And they are not helping people get married. They are helping people stay single.
Thank you for reading. Please spread this message!
Funny that you linked to this post from the coronavirus post, since both are about doing something for the greater good, refraining from sending pictures for the sake of friends who are at greater disadvantage and social distancing for the sake of flattening the curve for everyone.
Can I point out that it has been a norm for a long time for mothers to obtain a copy of the girl’s high school yearbook picture. I think what changed now is it’s just so much easier now to instantly forward pictures and demand one instantaneously.
Hey, I would have never made that connection so thank you for highlighting that! 🙂
Yes, it is definitely a long-standing tradition to try to get a preview of a girl — what changed is the attitude and the openness with which a picture is demanded. That is the problem; in the past it was kept on the down-low and there was that busha of not wanting to appear to be judging a shidduch candidate by looks alone. And realistically, most people did not get a picture. Now it is fairly obvious that the picture is more heavily weighted in the decision process, sometimes obviously as the dealbreaker. And that is not okay. A person is more than a picture. And no one is being asked to marry someone they find unattractive. But this practice is drastically slanted against women, especially those who do not happen to be photogenic or who do not meet conventional beauty standards but are beautiful people.