The Voice of Perfection

We all have our struggles that make shidduchim uniquely challenging and painful for each of us. I have struggled mightily with feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy: How do I know that I’m trying hard enough, pushing and stretching myself enough (whatever that means), being open enough (whatever that means)? When I was davening at the Kosel in February, I felt very emotional about this in my davening. It was a relief to cry about it. I came to a realization as I sat there, finally breathing deeply and feeling the tightness inside me loosen.

 

The voice of perfection is not reality-based. It has no compassion. It does not take into account context or your needs or your resources. Therefore, it will take no excuses for what it perceives as imperfection, and it will go after you and eat you alive. You can never say to this voice, “Maybe you have a point, but I did not/do not have the capacity for what you are demanding of me.” There is no nuance, and therefore there is no respite.

 

It was honestly a huge breakthrough for me when this clicked. I realized that lightening won’t zap me if I say out loud, “I wish I could but I cannot.” Cannot say yes to this date now, cannot consider this situation or package, cannot contact this person. I wish I could — wouldn’t it be nice to try anything and everything because who knows — but I cannot. My reasons for that might be different from someone else’s, but I come with a story and a context and this influences my range of healthy choices.

 

The challenge of shidduchim is so multi-faceted and multilayered; outer voices become inner voices. In this facet, at least, hopefully we can practice turning harshness into compassion as we recognize how little we control on any level.