In February I read a fun and different book, Love Will Find You, by Kathryn Alice. The book went through a number of steps and exercises for helping you surmount old obstacles and negativity about dating, become open to accepting love, and attract the right person into your life. I don’t need to tell you that I see this kind of program as only one type of hishtadlus among an array of options. That being said, it deeply resonated with me. I read the book, took notes, and did most of the exercises.
Recently, I picked up my Soulmate Journal (so named per Alice’s instructions) and reread the exercises I had completed. It struck me that even though I hadn’t remembered specific exercises, the work I had done with the book was still very much with me and had been largely integrated into my thinking about dating and shidduchim. So much so that I have started another program in the same vein, Calling in “The One,“ by Katherine Woodward Thomas. I see that this kind of approach resonates with me and engenders joy and optimism in me.
Whether or not you can access these books or have the inclination to do so, I will share a few journaling exercises that I found effective. I would definitely recommend getting a special notebook for these exercises (and others I hope to share as I keep reading my new book).
–Belief clearing. Write down your negative beliefs and fears about dating/marriage, then write a response to each belief that turns it around. For example: I won’t find someone who truly loves and respects me for who I am becomes The right person will appreciate and love me for who I am and what I have to offer. Or I won’t find someone I both respect a great deal and feel safe being myself with becomes The right person will command my respect for who he is while at the same time allowing me to feel safe being me.
–The list. Make a long list of all the qualities you long for in a spouse. Don’t hold back. Then write, “I will get this or something better.”
–Healing fatal flaw beliefs. Write down all the flaws you see in yourself as reasons someone might reject you. Then visualize or write down a scene where the right person learns of one of these flaws and loves you despite it or even because of it.
You can take your Soulmate Journal in any direction. Some other ideas are writing letters to your future spouse, writing letters from your future spouse to you, and taping in magazine pictures or making collages about what you want your future relationship to be like. These exercises should be fun and joyful; you shouldn’t force your way through them like some kind of duty or they will just reinforce negative feelings about dating.
I hope you enjoy these exercises, if this kind of things speaks to you! And if not, you can always try something new, no one is checking your work! 😉
